The effect that
fathers have on families regarding the raising of their children is enormous,
and is often overlooked by the public. A substantial amount of trust can be
developed within the relationships of husband and wife, and father and child
when the proper care is taken to expound on those relationships within the
family. I believe that fathers have the divine right and privilege to be apart
of their children’s lives just as much as their wives have, and that they have
the solemn duty to work alongside their wife throughout the parenting process.
A study done about
the father’s role in the family in 1997 was compiled by psychologist Michael
Lamb, titled The Role of the Father.
In this study, Lamb wanted to reveal some underlying ideas of what the role of
the father had in the family. From this, I determined five points that were
important to touch on and talk about: the amount of involvement of the father
in the family, the influence that ideologies and views have on fathers, the
shift of the father’s role throughout the century, the quality time fathers
spend with their families, and finally, the unfilled parental role fathers are
demonstrating.
The first point is
the involvement that fathers have in the family. The study stated, “Many fathers
assume essentially no responsibility (as defined by participation in key decisions,
availability at short notice, involvement in the care of sick children,
management and selection of alternative child care, etc.) for their children’s care
or rearing” (Tamis-Lemonda). This statement disturbed me that fathers were
denying their involvement in the care for their children, especially through
hard times like sickness and short notice. Fathers need to take the
responsibility for their children and get involved in their lives-not only for
the “fun parts,” but during the hard parts as well. Getting involved will show
the kids that their father cares for them, even in times of need and that they
can rely on their dad to come to their aid for future times.
The influence that
ideologies and views have on fathers can also be a reason why fathers aren’t as
involved as they could and should be. “Historical, cultural, and familial
ideologies inform the roles fathers play and undoubtedly shape the absolute
amounts of time fathers spend with their children, the activities they share with
them, and perhaps even the quality of the father-child relationships” (Lamb). I
think that the fathers that feel and have come to know that the “ideal” dad is
one who goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, then goes to bed is one that
should be portrayed within their own families by them. These views have been
falsified by the media, our cultures and our opinions. Fathers shouldn’t go off
of what they hear or see in the world, they should determine the type of father
they want to be and set goals to become better.
Along with the
influences that are all around fathers today, there has been an intense shift
in the way that fathers have been viewed throughout the years. Lamb stated:
By popular
consensus, fathers were primarily responsible for ensuring that their children
grew up with an appropriate sense of values, acquired primarily from a study of
the Bible and other scriptural texts. Around the time of industrialization,
however, primary focus shifted from moral leadership to breadwinning and economic
support of the family. Then, perhaps as a result of the Great Depression, which
revealed many men as poor providers, social scientists came to portray fathers
as sex-role models, with commentators expressing concern about the failures of
many men to model masculine behavior for their sons. Throughout the 20th
century, fathers were urged to be involved (Griswold, 1993), and following
feminist and scholarly critiques of masculinity and femininity, there emerged
in the late 1970s a new concern with the new nurturant father, who played an
active role in his children’s lives.
The shifts in
views of what a father should be throughout the century can surely have an
impact on fathers today and certainly confuse them as to what kind of father
they should be for their families. From the stay at home dad teaching Christian
values, to the breadwinner of the family working sixty-plus hours a week,
there’s no wonder why fathers are having a hard time balancing work and family
life. While they may feel they are accomplishing what the wife wants him to do,
bringing home the bacon, they may be doing the complete opposite instead—not
being home with her and the kids. This shift impacts how the family views the
father, as well as how the father views himself. Placing the shifting views on
himself will cause confusion and rupture to his family life. If fathers will
just stick to the view on what they believe a father should be and act upon
that view, the shift in views of what a typical father should be will diminish
in their minds.
Fathers don’t only
need to know what kind of father they want to be, but they need to know how to
spend the time they have with their children. The father could have two minutes
or two hours to spend with their kids, but it’s not the quantity that matters,
it’s the quality that really counts. The article said, “…most studies suggest
that mothers play with their children more than fathers do, but because play
(particularly boisterous, stimulating, and emotionally arousing play) is more
prominent in father-child interaction, paternal playfulness and relative
novelty may help make fathers especially salient to their children (Lamb,
Frodi, Hwang, & Frodi, 1983). This enhanced salience may increase fathers’
influence more than would be expected based on the amount of time they spend
with their children” (Tamis-Lemonda). This “playtime” that the fathers portrays
and execute in their families can show his kids and wife that he cares for them
and wants to spend quality time with them. It doesn’t have to be very long;
just a few minutes could mean the world to his family for the few precious
moments of his attention he shows them. Through this attention, he could
influence his family in multiple ways because of the love he shows them. Having
a strong, loving bond increases the fathers’ ability to reach out to his
children in their times of need and influence them in ways he could not have
imagined had he not played with them.
Contrasted
to the influence that fathers can have when they spend quality time with their
families is the unfilled parental role they are demonstrating instead. “…[F]ather
absence may be harmful not necessarily because a sex-role model is absent but
because many paternal roles—economic, social, emotional—go unfilled or
inappropriately filled in these families. Once again, the evidence suggests
that recognition of the father’s multiple roles as breadwinner, parent, and
emotional partner is essential for understanding how fathers influence children’s
development” (Lamb). Because of the multiple titles that fathers have in the
home, it can be stressful and tiring to fill all of them. By recognizing the
father as all of these roles in one person, instead of one person with multiple
roles, this can greatly impact his role in the family and show him that his
family knows that he is a busy man who can be all of these things through
patience and time. By not fulfilling the parental role, this causes much strife
within the marriage and the children will most likely lean to mom for most of
their needs, causing more stress on the mom and broken relationships between
father and child because there is no structure to build off of.
I
am so thankful that I had a father that was very involved with my life and the
life of my siblings. He would always take the time to play with us, even if it
wasn’t for very long. I remember all the times he would get home, put down his
briefcase and keys, and then start chasing us up and down the hallways and
stairs. I remember the love he showed to my mom and the constant support he was
to her in disciplining us when we weren’t so obedient. He never left the
parenting up to her; they were always a constant team.
From observing
this, I’ve come to realize that his parenting and interaction with us really
shaped who I am today. If he hadn’t been home, or if he hadn’t played with us
the way he did, I wouldn’t have the fond memories I have of him today. I
wouldn’t even know him very well. My father was never a big talker of emotions,
but he would be an excellent listener and just listen to what we kids had to
say, no matter how long it took us. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t know what
a real father should be. I would think that all a father was would be a person
whom I would see every once in awhile, who was married to my mom and not know
why, who went to work, came home, ate dinner, watched some TV, then went to bed
to start it all over the next day. Because of the example my father set, I now
know what a true father should be—one who is there for their kids, one who
supports them through all the trials in their lives, and one who knows their
kids individually and each of their needs on a one-on-one basis.
The standard my
dad set in the family for what a father should be is the standard I’m setting
for my future husband. I am engaged right now, and I’ve talked with my fiancé
about parenting styles and how he viewed how fathers should be and what they
should do. I’ve shared my own thoughts with him in how my dad acted and that I
wanted our future family to have the same relationships that my siblings and I
had with our father. From this conversation, I was able to enact some specific
things that our family will do to ensure that my fiancé will be an involved
dad.
First, he will be
there through the whole process of pregnancy and birth. If the father isn’t
there through the process, he doesn’t feel the connection that the mom
naturally has when the child is born. By having him there, he will feel more connected
to the child and feel like he has responsibility to care for them. Another
thing that I will do is to make sure my husband has a job with adequate hours.
I will not support him in taking on a job that has ridiculously crazy hours
that puts him into a position where he wouldn’t see me, or the kids, on a daily
basis. I want to make sure my kids see their daddy preferably before work, and
certainly after work.
Another step that
I will take to ensure my husband is involved with the family is the commandment
of having Family Home Evenings once a week, usually on Mondays. By doing this,
it solidifies participation from the entire family and that way our kids will
be able to see their father in a spiritual light, as well as the head of the
household in leading FHE. Also, the involvement of him coming to support our
children in any extracurricular activities that they are in will help to make
sure he is there for all of our children, showing them that he cares about what
they do. Whether it be a band concert, choir concert, sporting event, or
theater performance, I will make sure that he, as well as the rest of the
family, come to support whatever child is in that performance. It will bring
support and solitude to our family when we are all together; supporting one
another in things we enjoy doing.
By taking these
steps and actions to make sure my husband is involved with the family more than
he is involved with work, will strengthen our family and create more
friendships and bonding moments that my family experienced while I was growing
up. The influence that fathers have on the home is enormous, and if fathers
would just realize their potential and immense support they provide to their
families, history would surely be changed.
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