Family Stressors

Last week in my Family Relations class, we learned about the stressors and stress that are present in families. We discussed how stresses in family life can limit communication within the family which is key to working together and getting through hard and trying times. I believe that families who do not communicate well, especially during hard and trying times, leaves them in a state of confusion, hurt, and desperation.

This can be a bold statement to claim; however, I believe it to be true. There are multiple examples all around us that prove this claim. Just in class, my professor stated how his parents didn't really communicate after the death of their first child and it nearly tore them apart. I wasn't there to observe their situation personally, but I understand where they went wrong. I know that communication is key in order to keep a strong bond within the family, especially between husband and wife. Communicating thoughts and feelings can bring spouses together and bind them in ways they never could have imagined.

In certain families I've observed, if the parents don't communicate with each other, there is a lot of confusion, tension, and hurt. Multiple times when the mom wouldn't tell the dad or any of their kids where she was going and just left the house, the dad would get home and ask the kids where their mother was, which resulted with them not being able to tell him. He would get so frustrated about not knowing her whereabouts, especially when she wouldn't answer her phone when he called to find out where she disappeared to. From her perspective, she wasn't doing anything wrong. She was just running to the store, or running errands before dinner. The tension between them at dinner could be felt by all of their kids, and I could tell it was really uncomfortable. The consequences from the lack of communication was substantial! It still continues today, but a lot less often because the dad of the family has talked with the mom about how frustrated it makes him when he comes home and doesn't know where she's gone. Because of this communication, I've noticed that things have gone a lot smoother in this family and there isn't the same tension as before.

Since I have learned from this family, I have been a lot better at communicating how I feel with my fiance. I don't want to have any communication problems in my marriage, and I know it's ridiculous to say that I won't have any, but I will be more astute to limiting the confusion in my marriage by communicating more effectively. One thing that you can do to communicate more effectively are to state your feelings clearly. Don't try to beat around the bush, ignoring your own emotions. Stating them clearly will eliminate a lot of unneeded confusion when both spouses are on the same page. This can take a lot of bravery, especially when you aren't use to expressing your emotions out loud. It would be a good idea to practice now if you're not the best at this communication skill.

I hope that this post helped people understand that communication is so important in marriage, especially with the everyday stresses that we go through. Without communicating our emotions effectively, we can never be understood fully by our spouse, limiting our ability to have a strong, close bond with them.

Sexual Intimacy

So, today I will be talking about what our class discussed last week on sexual intimacy in marriage. What I got out of the lesson was what most of us already know: men and women have different sexual responses that can lead to unfulfilled marriages if not understood by either spouse. The knowledge about the differences between the sexes can be the floodgate for ultimate fulfillment in marriage! Once understood, the differences can be viewed as God-given and will ultimately make sense in the long run through the complimentary factors these differences make.

In the book, And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson, it specifies the differences between the sexes, specifically outlining the complex response cycle of women. Throughout the book, she mentions stories of couples who were unsatisfied with their marriages, specifically pertaining to sexual intimacy.

What many people do not know, men and women included, is that women take a lot longer to "warm-up" and be mentally prepared for sex. Contrasted to men who are ready sexually at the snap of a finger, women can take 10 times as long to warm up to just the idea of having sex. Many men don't understand why their wives are never "in the mood" to have sex. It may just be that they aren't doing a very good job at being their lovers! Women need to be loved and shown affection long before sex is even a thought. They need to feel like their husbands love them as a person, not as an object for their sexual pleasure. The complete opposite is for men! Men need to have sex in order to feel loved! See how this big difference can create immense problems in marriage??

The main thing that I can leave with you is that men need to be more sensitive to their wives feelings in loving them and taking time with them before pursuing sex, and women need to be willing, mentally and physically, to prepare for sex. Oh, another piece of advice: read And They Were Not Ashamed. Best book ever.

Marriage and Early Parenthood

So a few weeks ago we learned about the early stages of marriage and early parenthood. When faced with a first child, usually your marital happiness and satisfaction goes down. Why? Wouldn't someone think that a baby would make the marriage more joyful and fulfilling? Well, the truth of the matter is that children bring on all new levels of stress, especially to the parents when they can't communicate well with each other.

I think that early parenthood is one of the most struggling and trying times for people who are married. Not only do they have to change their schedules to fit around their new little bundle of joy, but they have to schedule everything around the spouse's schedule as well, to make sure at least one of them is with the baby at all times (assuming they are not putting their child in daycare~which I strongly agree with). I have seen, through my own eyes, couples going through this very problem. They don't understand how to communicate well with their spouse, and in consequence, they end up arguing about menial things that could have been avoided, causing more stress to their relationship.

Another factor that is put in is that the mothers usually tend to separate themselves from their husbands and cleave to their babies. This is detrimental for the marriage because the husband will not feel loved and will feel shafted from his own wife, the one who is supposed to be his supported through thick and thin. I have seen couples all around campus where the mom is snuggling her baby as the husband stands by, looking uninterested and/or left out of the special moment. These situations are so painful to watch because I know the effects they can have on the marriage. When the wife starts to cleave to her children rather than to her husband (the one she should cling to), then the marriage starts to slowly dissipate because the husband and wife are not bonding together; rather, the wife is bonding to her child. Don't get me wrong, I think that the bond between mother and child is a special, most sacred bond, but the husband needs to be involved.

Overall, this lesson really got me to think about the stresses that children can make on the marriage if the husband and wife have not communicated well with each other beforehand to make sure they were on the same page regarding parenting and the differences that would come with it. I suggest everyone talk and converse with their spouses before starting a family so that there will be no miscommunication between the two in the future and that the stresses will be on the minimal side.

Dating

Last week in class we talked about the importance of dating. Fun topic, right?? Well, it's a lot more tricky than just fun. Dating shouldn't be a race to intimacy. When you are intimate with someone, especially before marriage, you become attached and bound to them and it is hard to think straight (i.e. hard to determine whether the person is right for you to marry). It was great going through all the steps of dating, because it validated the relationship I had and went through with my fiance.

It can be really hard to follow the steps to date. You first need to start by hanging out and dating a lot of different people. Dating is different than courtship. Courtship is being with the same person in an intimate relationship, going down the path towards engagement, and then eventually marriage. Dating is going on dates with multiple people, testing the waters to see what kind of person you'd want to be with for the rest of your life. A lot of the time, people race right through the dating process and go straight to courtship. A lot of high schoolers go through this, and it ends up harming their emotional well-being, especially if the relationship doesn't work out.

After this lesson, I realized that I knew Ryan a looooong time before we even started dating, and I had dated a lot of different friends throughout high school-just going on different dates with a bunch of different guys. After realizing from them the kind of people I didn't want to marry, and who were just really good friends, it was really easy to see that Ryan was the one for me when we went on a couple of dates. After going on a few dates, we didn't see each other for about a year. We then saw each other and when on a few more dates and decided, together, that we should see where we could go by courting. Now look-we're happily engaged and oh so excited to have found our eternal partner!

In order for relationships to work out, there needs to be set boundaries, set lines and set steps to go through. Dating, courtship, engagement, then marriage. Only through these steps can we attain a well-made decision for who we will marry.